The viral infection knocks me out cold for two days ("in bed, where eagerly the sickness pursued me still..."). Never had one of those for over 2 or 3 years now. Last time I was out was when I ate a piece of pork that didn't agree with me. Recovered in time to review some notes on the discipline of submission, one of Richard Foster's four outward spiritual disciplines.

"Take up your cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34) But before that, put everything down. That want of agreement for your ideas. That desire to "hold your own". That reputation or image or persona you wish to project. Put all these stuff down. If you shall suffer the worst injustices, let that be rather as a servant completely submitted to Christ, than to fight it as a self-made man. Just surrender. No questions asked. 

When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. Bonhoeffer's paradox of morbidity as a prelude to - nay, a cost of - true discipleship that brings life. "Your sword first, sir," said General MacArthur to the Japanese Admiral who wanted to shake his conqueror's hand at the signing ceremony of Japan's surrender in World War II. In the discipline of submission and surrender, one lays down the burden of having to one's own way all the time. It's walking off the plank, off into thin air, finally letting go and knowing that if God's hands don't catch you, you'd be better off falling anyway.

When you've got a virus in you, you must submit to your body. You gotta let it do the healing. You must stand outta the way whilst brother ass kick the virus' ass in due time. You can't be a hero and try to do stuff like you would under normal conditions. Though you hate it, though the forced inefficiency and unproductivity lashes against your very being, you submit. There's no other way.

It's a timely topic. Because I'm struggling somewhat at work now. I'm crying out for something better. Can't resolve the tensions in me. It's the whole "I-love-the-job, I-love-the-job-not" mopey go-round.

Fever's over. But then preparation for the 30-hour famine begins. My school's taking the fasting and giving quite seriously. I'm the main PR guy for this. Banged out an email today about fasting being not merely abstinence, but abstinence in order that we might "achieve" something which we wouldn't otherwise achieve without fasting. Today's the first time I went through a full 24-hours without anything but tea (oops) and water.

During this 24-hours I delivered that talk on submission (we really must get to the Q&A sessions faster), read about a hundred pages of an absolutely delightful Cloud Atlas (from my latest "favourite author", David Mitchell), tweaked an assignment on AIDS drugs funding for developing countries and learnt a bit about incentives and pay-structures. When I throw in a short chat I had with an online classmate about the human will's capacity to curve in on itself such that it loses the ability to repent of its wickedness, I go wow: That's quite a lot of stuff in 24 hours without food - what is God trying to tell me? 

Apart from don't ever say I don't have time for anything.